A Blog on Hold, a Life Rebooting

You may have noticed that I have not made a post in a while…sorry.  There is a very good reason for this.  Two months ago to the day I caught my husband in very inappropriate contact with our mutual best girlfriend.  I was willing to try and work through this.  He told me that he thought we needed a period of seperation as he needed time to miss me and work on his issues in therapy alone, so off to Nashville I was packed as he could not leave Boston and I had nothing holding me there but him.  Our dog was shipped off to Florida to stay with my parents and we began a very short separation. Within two weeks our separation turned into “I need a divorce,” and within a month and a half the divorce was final.

So here I am today. In less than two months I have lost my husband and best friend of ten years, my dog, my tiny apartment, my best girlfriend and needless to say I am not in a position to do a whole lot of crafting these days as all of my supplies are still in Boston and will not be shipped down here until around November at the earliest.

And although this is not where I hoped to be in life at this minute, I don’t have any regrets.  I tried and never stopped trying until he made it clear he did not want me and was not going to be involved in our marriage any longer.  I deserve to be loved without conditions, I deserve happiness, I deserve someone worthy of all the love I have to give.  Although I can never claim to be a perfect wife, and Lord knows I am sure I can be a pain in the arse to live with, I can say without hesitation I have many gifts to give that are not worth wasting on those who do not want them or crying over when rejected.  Faith, love, fidelity and forgiveness are cores of my soul.  I know this for sure because I still believe in the future and the goodness of people.   I lived to love my husband, and I will live to love another just as strongly.  And the next time I give my heart to someone else for the rest of my life I continue to have faith that, that man will be confident and strong enough to give his love as fully and unreservedly as I do.  Our divorce was handled amicably and  I wish my ex and the woman he is with now all the best in the world.  Our lack of success should not preclude their chance of happiness.

I am looking at either joining the military as an officer or going to law school (maybe both if I am lucky).  I have been spending all of my free time teaching myself math again (it’s been ten years since I cared about word problems or algebra…bleh). And I have been getting myself back in shape.  I have dropped about 20 pounds in this two months through diet and exercise and I must say…I am looking pretty good these days.  (Before you go “Dang girl! You were huge! I am six feet tall, so 20 pounds for me is more like five or ten for everyone else…)  Hopefully, Basic Training will help me kill the last ten pounds that won’t seem to budge.  But it is not a bad way to get back out on the dating scene, all thin and pretty again.  Between traveling to and from Boston, handling the divorce, exercising, studying and hunting down and motivating ten billion people to do what needs to be done to try and fill out my security clearance packet I have been very busy lately.

This blog will likely be on hold for a few months, at least until my life is settled again.  When I reboot, the name of the blog will likely change, but I ask that if you had me in your links…please leave me there.  I will come back I promise.  I will leave all of my old posts up (even the painful ones that have pictures and stories of my ex) as there are still good projects or funny stories contained in those posts.

I have been loved and motivated by many people during these past two months and although some friends have proven themselves to be less than loyal, many more have stepped up and gone much more than the extra mile to make sure that I am doing OK and have everything that I need to make it through this time.  I have done more new, exciting, and frightening things in the past two months than I have in years.  I have pushed myself and have yet to find my limits.  It turns out when the world pulls the rug out from underneath my feet I remained standing…it is good to know I am one of those people.  You never really know until it happens.  I don’t crumble, I don’t whine, I don’t give in.  I wake up each morning with the word courage, and go to sleep each night with the idea of love and forgiveness.  And that keeps me motivated.

I will see you all again as soon as I can.

-Nikki