An Open Letter to the Drivers of Boston

My fellow Bean Town drivers,

Let me say first of all I empathize with your sleepiness. I too am tired at the butt-crack of the morning and dodging pedestrians darting out into traffic without a look or a care to catch a train running down the middle of the road is difficult. It is not your fault that the city planners were too lazy to plan a city and simply established permanent roads wherever the cow trails happened to be – absolutely cows have the best judgment about how we should reach our final destination, they are never known to wander about aimlessly. I do not begrudge you the confusion the situation brings when you cannot figure out where to turn as the train sneaks in and out, from the center of the road to the side and you must decide do I drive on the service roads or main lanes? Dear God, am I now going the wrong way down a one way street/service road!…all of this is all tricky indeed. So go ahead, slam on your brakes and vacillate in and out of traffic listlessly as you make up your mind. Lord knows I do too when I am on unfamiliar turf.  If I might make a suggestion, when you are new in an area you might watch the flight path of the herd and not shoot up the (temporarily) empty lane you find yourself in.  We are not weaving for our pleasure and we will save your wheel alignment if you follow us.  I (and the others I see each day) have a carefully mapped out series of lanes changes (and shifts within the lane) that I make every day designed to minimized (although by no means eliminate) the chances of my car falling into what I can only assume are portals to hell. You might call them potholes but I swear I once saw flames licking out around the edges of a particularly deep one, I’ll not be testing them.

Nope, I am, in general, well able to forgive the follies of my fellow drivers because we are all human.

That said. STOP BEING DOUCHE BAGS. When approaching an intersection a football field wide with waiting traffic and a train staring down at you do not presume to pull yourself into the intersection after the light has been green for some time KNOWING it will turn red with you stuck out there through the entire next side’s green light. (I am talking to EVERYONE who has ever entered Storrow Drive.)  When then stuck in the intersection and blocking all traffic have the good graces not to respond to resulting honks and/or fingers with a shrug and a “what can I do about it?” look and a geusture to the stalled traffic in front of you. It was just as unmoving before you put your dumb-ass self in the intersection and in our way. This makes everyone want to kill you for being a double moron. Either stoically keep your eyes glued forward or pretend that the oncoming traffic is in fact an emergency vehicle you must make way for and find a way to get your ass out of the intersection. You could do it if you tried, it just wouldn’t be pretty….you might have to *GASP* leave the line.

And Boston, red means stop. I know this can be confusing as the municipal vehicles do not seem to understand it. You might think because you have seen school buses loaded with children running red lights where other vehicles have already managed to stop not to mention the obligatory every-cop-car-out-there going right through them as if they don’t matter, however, this still does not give you permission to do so. In particular, if I have time to slow my car during a yellow light and come to a full stop at the resulting red you should not feel authorized to change lanes, pull around and continue traveling through the light.

And I know this is going to shock some of you, please sit down before reading, when you are driving down a four lane divided road and you find yourself needing to stop and either conduct business or release a passenger you must continue on until you a find parking space or a turn-off. If the street parking is full simply putting on your hazards does not give you legal permission to turn a normal driving lane into a second parking lane. On my last week in town I am going to drive through Boston in the Bat Tank (from the first Christian Bale Bat Man movie) in the right hand lane of all two lane roads in Boston and I am not changing lanes for any reason.

You have been warned Boston,



One Comment on “An Open Letter to the Drivers of Boston”

  1. James Wright says:

    You are a bit nutty… Did you have problems on the way home this morning?

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